star above muted worlds

My dad's sister passed away from cancer in December 2016. She had a lot of random junk and that ended up getting shipped to a bunch of different people before finally some of it ended up on my doorstep. She was a beautiful and independent person. She did a lot on her own and was really culturally aware and intelligent. I don't know, I wish we would have been a lot closer than we were. She was a lot like my dad in the way that she valued her privacy and it helped that her home was in LA. I know she loved me immensely, I just wish I could have gotten myself to reach out to her that last year of her life but I was in a bad place and I was just angry at everyone who wasn't my dad. I didn't want to make her feel weird or cry on the phone.


I just feel awful in general and going through her things and learning little things about her made me happy. She has all these little trinkets in a bag and I was poking through those letting my mind fill in the gaps.

I got very excited when I saw the Pabst pin because my great grandfather (her grandfather) Ivin was a senior executive at Pabst during WWII and I am wondering if that was his or perhaps something that he gave to her as a gift at some point.

I don't know, I guess this is one of those.."I wish you were here to tell me stories" moments. Like the ones, I used to have when going through old albums with my dad.  

I have a lot of guilt inside me over everything and it is very strange to think that I will never actually be as happy as I had been before 2015. I still have moments where I feel like I can't wrap my head around it. Like something surreal... I won't ever be exactly the same Megan I was before. The one I had grown to love and appreciate and the one so many other's are accustom to. I am this weird byproduct of myself and loss now. The world is quieter now, the nights are more sleepless, the world seems like it spins differently as if I awoke November 4th 2015 in a parallel universe where everything sucks politically and also my family connections are turned to ash and dust. That is frustrating to me. And often I find myself laying in bed at night and fantasizing about how if I did wake up in a different world how maybe one day I could wake up and everything would be the way it was. 

Like I would give anything for my reality right now to be getting into a mundane debate about history or politics with my father while we drink subpar coffee together and then opening the news on my phone to see some globally beneficial act that Bernie fucking Sanders enacted as president.

I guess I also take comfort in the fact that if parallel universes do exist that one out of millions maybe...that is a reality.