"You're the first person I want to tell everything to..."

So, with my change came me really reflecting on things in my life and because one of my major change things is me getting into a intimate relationship at a distance (because these have totally worked out in the past for me, yeah) I have been kind of worried about how I am perceived.

I have had some pretty awesome exes in the past and all (except two) I would count as some of my closest friends now. One in particular I was thinking about most now because as of last year he got married. Since his marriage he has cut off all contact with me, which is sad, but considering our weird emotional-relationship on/off again past so I can't say I blame him.

He (surprise) told me once in 2012 (when I was actually in love with someone else) that he was in love with me still and waiting for me - that he would always be waiting. I was really annoyed with him at that point because he spent the entire time I was pursuing this other relationship telling me that this guy in Georgia didn't care about me/wouldn't love me/it wouldn't actually work out. At this point, before his confession, I was questioning myself. Really sitting there at night surprised that someone would even waste time on me, that there must be something wrong with me in general because my friend had said all of this.

He was one of the first people I told everything to and sometimes we would go months without talking but I would get a call at 12am, "Megs, we need to go out, get dressed  - I have to tell you something because you're the first person I want to tell everything to..."

Then he would tell me whatever new was happening in his life. Job stuff, relationship stuff, etc. Pretty much everything and then ask for advice, which he would respect and take. I was one of the first people he told when he got in this relationship and then ultimately engaged and I told him I was happy for him and I wanted him to really be happy.

Some days I worry that I didn't really mean that - because it meant not really having him in my life today.

That kind of makes me sad. That our whole friendship was predicated on the possibility that one day I would be really single and want to give our relationship another shot. I never did though - not really. Mostly because I was scared. I was scared that if I tried I would get hurt and if I tried with him in 2012 (when he wanted me to stop talking to Georgia guy and be with him instead*) I would have hurt Georgia dude and I might have hurt Jerry too because I was REAL fucked up. (Like REAL fucked up, like afraid to fall asleep because I thought someone would come out of my closet at night and strangle me and it was really hard for me to go a day without having a panic attack/actually fainting about things. Oh, and not being able to have face to face conversations with people because I would be afraid everyone was mad at me all the time ALL THE TIME. - I since discovered that this was PTSD from abusive crap but, hey.)

 *I really should have though, because Jerry was right, that guy never actually cared about me at least not in the way that I cared about him - as in he would be a friend had he not avoided being honest with me/said stuff that made me legitimately actually start hating myself again. Then I dwelled on what he said about me forever until a day when I didn't anymore.

I don't know, I was just thinking about it because I want to tell past-Jerry all about stuff going on with me and I miss my friend and our conversations. It just feels like he is like dead or something and that is really sad.



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I just looked at his facebook and he is so different now like he goes boat fishing and has weird facial hair. That is really weird, he probably doesn't talk to me because I would be judging him to his face so hard. Like, so hard. Also it is weird that I was thinking about him because I guess his anniversary was like this week. Nice and strange.