Life Updates: Therapy sessions, New Relationship, Home Owning, and Music

Hey, I got news, I ain't doing too bad...

I started therapy again to deal with some of my anxiety, especially now that I have some more permanent health insurance. The last time I was in therapy was back in 2012 after England where I was being treated for my PTSD. I quit after I graduated because it stopped being free and also it didn't really help me that I noticed. I still had flashbacks and wasn't sleeping well (or had night terrors when I did sleep) for years after that England experience. That event has been "replaced" in my mind with my dad and Matt's deaths now. I do flashback and disassociate a lot when my mind goes back to those events. It is also feeding into a lot of my anxiety and the overarching fear of abandonment. My therapist and I are starting to notice a lot of my symptoms are getting more prevalent the farther out from the event I am. I have a lot of OCD/Anxiety symptoms now that are causing me a lot of just generalized panic 24/7. But talking it out with someone who actually knows what they're doing (not a student at YSU) is helping me. I am also keeping a therapy journal so I can circle back to things if I need to or to notice things that are really bothering me. I gave my therapist my entire history and she noticed very quickly that I have been treating therapy like it is my own stand up comedy special because I do a lot of call backs and I usually make a lot of jokes about situations. Though, I think, that is just a symptom of me trying to separate myself from the event so it is easier to process.

I started a new relationship a couple months ago with a really cool guy. I am noticing therapy is really helping me in talking to him and opening up to him and just keeping things level. I am noticing a really nice open communication and equal footing thing going on with the relationship that I am a fan of. I can probably credit that to therapy because I am able to immediately say what is bothering me and why then turn around and fix it in the same breath. Example: "This conversation is giving me anxiety because you said, "blah blah blah," because I have a fear of, "blah blah blah," could you say it in a different way or can we discuss this so I can stop being afraid of it."

The guy I am seeing is really chill and seems to be pretty cool with my past. In all my relationships I am brutally honest about all of the things that happened to me in the past even if it is to my detriment so it is nice to be with someone who doesn't hold those things against me. Or doesn't pity me for the bad things that happened - I hate that. I don't want someone to feel bad when I explain that I was hurt by someone in the past - I just want them to understand that might be why "A, B, and C are why I react like D, E, and F." At least, so far he doesn't do those things and he seems generally understanding and perhaps maybe a little fascinated by my life experiences. (Which is fine, to be honest, because I have had a lot of weird experiences)

Home ownership is weird, I really like it. A lot of things went wrong all at once when I first moved in but now everything seems fine. I like my little old colonial home and am working on saving money so I can add some more personal touches to it.

You're talking to me like I'm dumb

Well, I got news, I've got a lot to say
There is nothing you can do to take that away.

You're talking to me like a bitch
do you ever hear the way that you speak?
Don't have to be so mean just because you're weak.

I'm like nobody else, so you can just go fuck yourself.
I do a lot of stupid stuff, but don't act like you're so tough.