Tonight one of my friends I told something personal to, victim shamed me about it. Linking the situation directly to my anxiety disorder.
The hurtful part of it is that he said it really loudly so now people I didn't want to know (because it is super personal and I only told important people close to me) now know, and it brought up a lot of insecurities I have about the situation.
Like in the back of my mind I am always like, I hope my friends don't think I am stupid, or hate me, or think there is something wrong with me. Because I hate myself about it already, so much. And to have a friend (even one who is pretty socially inept) say it so nonchalantly with like a tone of "you're so dumb, kill yourself," attached. It was seriously too much...I walked away from my friend group totally embarrassed and crying.
My friends pressured for him to apologize...but I don't want a victim shamer in my life. I have no interest in being friends with a misogynistic dickface.
I have a pretty thick skin and don't expect anyone to just walk on eggshells around me about everything. But to totally discount the fact that my situation was "forced" and basically compare it to something really "blithe" and just stupid...is just wrong. Anyway...I felt it was so important...so I posted about it in my S&C blog.
Read it.
Okay, I am going to go be sad in my bed now.
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Sunday, May 27, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
On a lighter note: Kordie
I work really hard to try to balance attributes. Probably the only thing I really enjoy doing when armoring is looking for items to bring up attributes.
Anyways, I figured out that there is in fact a gold auction house...unfortunately you can only run 10 auctions at a time and they all must last like a day. Which is irritating. But anyway...I started up some of those.
Self-immolation Protests
In elementary school I remember glossing over the Vietnam War. A war that we "lost" to the "Reds." Growing up in a community with a very apparent conservative slant I never heard or knew even a tip of the whole story. Without my father, a anti-Vietnam war protester and someone who had interest in the American communist party, I never would have known the full extent of all of Vietnam. Since then, I have had snippets but taking a class on a subject really starts to open you up to the full extent. Not even a couple documentaries can fully teach how something occurred.
I have seen pictures of this before, very likely the exact ones. But today while we watched a popular Vietnam documentary series I saw them again. For some reason the lead in had built these images up to be very powerful to me. And the recent background lectures had made this even more important in my mind. There was something, maybe, in the way the room was dimmed. The silence of it all. It wasn't even in the film making. But for some reason these just had me taken for a few moments.
I wasn't just in a classroom anymore, I was there. And these were not just black and white memories.
Background: When the Geneva Conference/Western Powers installed President Diem he took some time to form a tight circle of his own family. He was very paranoid of outside influence. His closest confidant and second in command was his brother who ran a very ruthless and inhumane secret police. The family was Roman Catholic and the family was anti-Buddhist. Seeing them as "less than," famously Diem's brother's wife, who was very arrogant, said these Buddhists and their religion lacked legitimacy and that they had a "barbecue" when they protested.
Anyway, Diem's army opened fire on Buddhists celebrating the birthday of Buddha in Hue. When Diem issued a "No flying" order when he became aware they were going to wave Buddhist flags in honor of this birthday. Then Diem and his brother began systematically repressing and trying to purge Buddhists. In retaliation a Buddhist monk burned his body on the streets. After he was completely cremated, it is said it took another couple burnings to completely burn his heart which was still intact after the first immolation.
I realize the heart is a hardy organ, but that is a very powerful symbol, regardless of it not being intentionally controlled. This lead to the eventual ousting/assassination (labeled suicide by the Vietnamese government) of Diem and his brother.
But here are the pictures:
I am one to find things like this very captivating and honorable. I am fully aware that I have the mind of a matyr and would "self-immolate" for a something I believed in very passionately. I know people who just look at/hear things like this and just kind of feel like it is such a frivolous thing to kill yourself over. I am not religious and do not want to or claim to know the depth of intensity of religious passion. But I do know that this was not just a little "barbecue," this was the combination a fervent and deep rooted nationalism and religious tradition. This kind of passion for something is envious, I think. But for as brave and awesome and badass as I feel this is: It is also overwhelmingly sad and horrifying. To know that this could have been prevented if the west had just put aside their "Red Fear" and let Ho Chi Minh take control of a country that wanted to be unified...this all could have been prevented.
That is what sucks about the world. Idealists are frequently demeaned and seen as childish. When the "right thing" is never what is done, instead it is always what is "right for...[insert special interest]." It sucks to look back and look at such injustice and know that I would have been just as fucking pissed off about it then as I am now. Even more so. And there would be nothing I could have done. Except protest with my father, probably.
I very much don't have respect for people who are willfully ignorant and if the West would have taken their xenophobia and ego driven self interest back a notch and learned about a country so rife with national pride and extreme passion to rule themselves (Far greater and longer than the US had wanted it in 1776) ....this could have been just what "could have been" and not what was.
2000 years, centuries of trying to ward off foreign invasion. With everyone trying to rule them and tell them what was best for them politically. And we become involved in the 60s. What did we expect?
I have seen pictures of this before, very likely the exact ones. But today while we watched a popular Vietnam documentary series I saw them again. For some reason the lead in had built these images up to be very powerful to me. And the recent background lectures had made this even more important in my mind. There was something, maybe, in the way the room was dimmed. The silence of it all. It wasn't even in the film making. But for some reason these just had me taken for a few moments.
I wasn't just in a classroom anymore, I was there. And these were not just black and white memories.
Background: When the Geneva Conference/Western Powers installed President Diem he took some time to form a tight circle of his own family. He was very paranoid of outside influence. His closest confidant and second in command was his brother who ran a very ruthless and inhumane secret police. The family was Roman Catholic and the family was anti-Buddhist. Seeing them as "less than," famously Diem's brother's wife, who was very arrogant, said these Buddhists and their religion lacked legitimacy and that they had a "barbecue" when they protested.
Anyway, Diem's army opened fire on Buddhists celebrating the birthday of Buddha in Hue. When Diem issued a "No flying" order when he became aware they were going to wave Buddhist flags in honor of this birthday. Then Diem and his brother began systematically repressing and trying to purge Buddhists. In retaliation a Buddhist monk burned his body on the streets. After he was completely cremated, it is said it took another couple burnings to completely burn his heart which was still intact after the first immolation.
I realize the heart is a hardy organ, but that is a very powerful symbol, regardless of it not being intentionally controlled. This lead to the eventual ousting/assassination (labeled suicide by the Vietnamese government) of Diem and his brother.
But here are the pictures:
I am one to find things like this very captivating and honorable. I am fully aware that I have the mind of a matyr and would "self-immolate" for a something I believed in very passionately. I know people who just look at/hear things like this and just kind of feel like it is such a frivolous thing to kill yourself over. I am not religious and do not want to or claim to know the depth of intensity of religious passion. But I do know that this was not just a little "barbecue," this was the combination a fervent and deep rooted nationalism and religious tradition. This kind of passion for something is envious, I think. But for as brave and awesome and badass as I feel this is: It is also overwhelmingly sad and horrifying. To know that this could have been prevented if the west had just put aside their "Red Fear" and let Ho Chi Minh take control of a country that wanted to be unified...this all could have been prevented.
That is what sucks about the world. Idealists are frequently demeaned and seen as childish. When the "right thing" is never what is done, instead it is always what is "right for...[insert special interest]." It sucks to look back and look at such injustice and know that I would have been just as fucking pissed off about it then as I am now. Even more so. And there would be nothing I could have done. Except protest with my father, probably.
I very much don't have respect for people who are willfully ignorant and if the West would have taken their xenophobia and ego driven self interest back a notch and learned about a country so rife with national pride and extreme passion to rule themselves (Far greater and longer than the US had wanted it in 1776) ....this could have been just what "could have been" and not what was.
2000 years, centuries of trying to ward off foreign invasion. With everyone trying to rule them and tell them what was best for them politically. And we become involved in the 60s. What did we expect?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Day care
[Mara pushes a new toddler over, I catch him mid-fall. While comforting crying toddler, Mara takes a toy fire truck and bashes me in the back with it. I am both shocked and in pain.]
Megan: Mara....
Mara: [pets my back] Megan...
Megan: [Turns slowly and glares]
Mara: I sorry, Meggie. I love you.
Megan: It isn't cute when you say you love me after you hurt me, you know that?
Megan: Mara....
Mara: [pets my back] Megan...
Megan: [Turns slowly and glares]
Mara: I sorry, Meggie. I love you.
Megan: It isn't cute when you say you love me after you hurt me, you know that?
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