star above muted worlds

Sometimes things don't work out no matter how hard we try or how good our best intentions and that stinks.

I went through a box of old memories in my new house today, still unpacking and it is rough.

I was looking through this box of letters, cards, and photos and was just crying and laughing. But mostly crying. It is so surreal to look back on our long lost loves those people we loved so deeply for a time until something changed it all. Until something finally gave and all the things you built with someone came crashing to the floor. Am I sad these relationships are over? No. Though, I do not regret them. I regret what many of them became. I wished for more amicable endings. In Matt's case, I wished for an ending that did not end in his death in 2015. I wished for endings where I didn't get scared of the person. I wished for endings where the person could have been honest with not only me but themselves. In the case of my high school sweetheart, I regret being too young to appreciate the relationship.



I am older now and have been through many situations and it brings clarity and understanding to new relationships and even break ups.

My partner for the last 2.5 years and I ended things recently. I would like to say it was mutual because it really should have been, but I had hoped he would have chosen to try to feel better mentally and give it another go. I had never had such a healthy and functional relationship that didn't end in me being called a bunch of names, me being texted 500 times in a row until I had a bunch of panic attacks from the situation, me being hurt in some way, or me being cheated on. So I never had an actual healthy break up. I can say I had hoped that he would have stayed but I guess I am happy he let go too. I just feel like we weren't on the same level emotionally or intellectually a lot. I was told many times he was out matched and I was out of his league and I never believed it until everything started to come to a halt. I loved him so dearly and I know he loved me so much but it was like we were communicating on two different levels in two different languages. I don't regret it, but maybe I regret trying so hard to build bridges trying to cross the vast expanse of us. The truth is, I was in a bad place when we met. I had lost my father and my friend. I was looking for a buoy and not a boyfriend. But I would be lying if I said I never loved him, like unconditionally, real and true love. I loved him despite the things he did that made it glaringly obvious he wasn't meant to be the partner of my life and I had hoped his love for me would carry us through.

I had hoped just this once, that I had placed bets on the right one, that this was my end game.

Hope doesn't always help. I lost him in what felt like a cruel way and I know he was doing his best to end things without hurting me. I think that inside, deep down, I knew that I wanted to end things very badly as well so it all felt cruel and hurt. But in the totality of the losses I have felt it was minor. Like a pinch instead of a stab wound.

I love him and he will always be a monumental loss. But not more monumental than anyone else. Men who I had loved so fully and so hard and who were lost or changed dramatically and now who only really live now in my mind. Those small moments I keep in a box to remember, to giggle, to know that at one point I truly and fully loved someone and can do it again.