Blog in which sex is discussed...

So I think that people actually take my jokes seriously sometimes. Last night I was having a bunch of trouble studying in my apartment [see: tumblr] it was getting obnoxious. So I decided around 6:30 to get ready and try to quickly write up some questions from Dr. York's study guide. Just to have them written down...so I wouldn't be stress writing them on campus today.

So yeah, I go. Eventually I get done with the bulk of the work, very quickly actually. Then I feel like I should at least have a drink as I was taking up bar space for two hours drinking coffee. So I had a beer. My friend, Jerry, showed up so I told him silly stories about being in love with David Chisum's nose. So I said, "If he walked in here right now, or a guy who looked like him, I would just be like.." I made a hilarious face of desperation, "Let's bang, please!"

Now, people heard this and looked at me. I just shrugged. Okay, I am not going to make apologies for being hilarious and ridiculous in a bar. That is stupid. Jerry thought it was funny. And anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not actually a sex crazed nympho maniac. I am not really one to care what people think about me, but this is one thing that is kind of a touchy subject for me. You know, I've actually lost boyfriends and potential boyfriends because of my need to be able to "trust" someone before any sexytime happens. And I think now it is going to be a bit harder because I think my brain is finding it hard to trust anyone.

I mean, with my history major friend, Maria, our conversations boil down to discussions of sex,. Mostly from historical topics and such. Or...gay fanfiction...(WHAT!?) She was surprised to know what goes on in my sex life because based on the way I talk about it, I guess it seems like I have a lot of confidence with it. Or I'm really worldly...with sex...(?). I'm not. At all. In fact, ever since someone made me watch that horrible youtube video of that monkey mouth raping a toad whenever I think about sex I also get a bit queasy.

On the other hand, if I thought about sex with someone I loved/trusted I would not get sick to my stomach. So yeah, I don't know, that is one thing that is really important to me. And since getting out of my horrible England shit, it is one thing that is more important than ever. Needing to trust someone in order to commit to them like that. To me, having sex is a really fragile thing. It puts you in almost your weakest point. I think you need to know that the person who your going on your sex adventure with isn't a psycho murderer. Maybe? Or maybe your into that sort of thing? I'm not going to make judgement calls about my blog readers.

I think I've just gotten more bizarre and outspoken since coming back from England. I think I left my censor button on the train from Leeds to Manchester. I'm not going to stop just being ridiculous and weird to save face anymore. I suppose that is a good thing because I feel like people have a lot more respect for me now than they did. Even though, I am still having trouble feeling "comfortable" around my friends still. But it is okay. I flew over a fucking ocean and almost fucked up my entire life...I'm not going to make apologies for being happy about being alive.