A couple months after my last ex (who I lived with and bought a house so he had a place to live while I basically supported him) and I broke up I found out from a mutual that he said a lot of negative things about me being in therapy/grieving etc etc. I found out he was going to my friend Nicole and telling her it was “weird I was so sad,” and that “people who go to therapy are broken,” the guy himself would get so depressed that he would go non verbal and I would need to literally corner him to clean up. My friends would tell me constantly I was settling and acting more like a mom and not a girlfriend. What did they expect? I’ve been parentified since I was, god, what, fucking, 6? My whole life has been babying people who I should have depended on and literally being a second mom to my own mom. At 29/30 I was so fucking used to being the adult in every relationship. I literally expected everyone in my life to literally suck the life out of me with their needs eventually. That was how all romantic relationships panned out for me. I had to be the stronger one and no one was ever strong for me. As a psychologist would tell you - I subconsciously looked for these kinds of relationships to play out what I was used to. I guess in that case I am a little broken. But aren’t we all?
He particularly didn’t like how I cycled through my grief going from “I need my dad, I want him to come back” to, “I am so mad he left me,” to “why couldn’t it have been me instead?”
My dad was the only parent I ever really had. The only healthy relationship that I had. God forbid I spin out after losing him.
He [the ex] would have hated watching me grieve my grandmother and then my sister. He would have lost his fucking mind.
Anyway, I bring this up because looking at this as older Megan and more educated Megan. Megan who has experienced more healthy relationships in her 30s. Like what the actual fuck? I can’t believe I thought caring for a grown ass man was healthy by any stretch.
You see someone you supposedly love suffering and trying to do their best to heal and your reaction is to feel disgusted by it? Man, I know I am not perfect now and sure was not perfect then but grief is a beast that lives within the folds of your soul. You’ll think the pain has left and it falls out like laundry hiding in your fitted sheets.
I just thought of it today because I was sitting under our Christmas tree and just remembering my last holiday with my Dad. That I finally feel safe in a fulfilling and whole relationship to be myself and state my needs.
Anyway, I did get mad at my friends for not disclosing to me that my ex had felt that way. Because I may be really over functioning in relationships but even then I would never let someone make me feel bad for loving my father.
I later found out he lost most of his family after we broke up from his posts coming across my social media. I sincerely wish his grief is not as severe and he never has to feel as helpless and hopeless as I did. I hope he never has to realize how disgusting it was that he judged the grief of someone he loved as they hurt over someone he never knew.
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Anyway, my scratch to vent about that has been itched.
Sorry it’s my sense of justice being triggered, I suppose. Then the natural grief cycles I spin through as the holidays come and go.
Here is some nonsense:
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