star above muted worlds

I have been kind of dating multiple people in varying degrees off and on as of late. However, I am quickly narrowing that down to a particular person who I have been very earnestly courting for several months now. Though I do have a friend who has been desperately trying to date me since he met me at an open mic night I randomly ended up in and we have some pretty hilarious conversations with me just being monotone and sarcastic and him being awkward as fuck forty something year old. 

Here are a few conversations we had:

I was telling someone who wants to date me that I am semi-dating/talking to multiple people. He asked if it was like a polyamory thing.

I said, “No, I am just almost 33 and up until this point in my life I have put all my eggs in one person’s basket and then they dropped that basket. So I don’t have many eggs left and I would like to use at least one. So I am putting an egg in everyone’s basket and going to sit back and see who treats my basket with respect and doesn’t drop it.”

He stared at me confused.

“Or like horse racing...? I am putting money on a bunch of people to see who wins and is worth my time.”

“Oh... well, not sure if I would be good at that I’m not very fast.”

“[dead pan] Well, I feel like in this context being too fast might count against you.”

-

Dude: So...you work at [that store I work at] right?

(I never told him that, he doesn’t even know my last name to look it up. Just knows I work at [The Specific Mall I Work At])

Me: Yeah...?

Him: I hear they have sales there.

Me: [monotone] Most stores do. Have sales. That is kind of the point of them.

-

Him: Oh, I was in Australia for a time. I didn't really go do anything cool, you know, like go to the outback and things. 

Me: I don't blame you. I don't fuck with Australia. There is tons of stuff that can kill you. I don't fuck with anything that can kill me. 

Him: What can kill you in Australia?

Me: Kangaroos....? 

Him: What about wallabies? They're small and cute, right? 

Me: I don't know for sure but I am pretty sure they are just kangaroos with Napoleon complexes. Which is - worse, actually. 

-

Him: [rambling about some dumb comedy movie] I'm sorry, I guess I am not as developed [mentally]? 

Me: Are you going through puberty? 

Him: I think so. 

Me: Is your voice going to crack? Are you growing hair in awkward places? 

Him: I think so. 

Me: Are you developing unexplained boners? 

Him: No, can't say that has ever happened. Is that a puberty symptom? 

Me: [monotone] I don't know. I haven't had any random boners, yet. 

-

Awkward dude who is trying to date me: Oh, is it okay if I stalked you home?
Him: walked. I mean.
Him: it was a joke. I promise.
Him: I’m joking. I am not stalking you.
Me: I thought it was a joke initially and then you over clarified and now I am questioning.

-

Him: (all in one breath nervously) Well, I see you at the open mic night and watch how you interact with people. And you’re seem really cool. Well, not you seem, you are. You are really cool. And you say things to people and you’re very intelligent. And you’re probably the funniest person I have ever met..And uh...wow this is going south... you’re just really cool and I am always happy when you come into the open mic night! It just makes me happy to see you walk in even if we don’t talk. And I just want to continue seeing you even if we don’t end up dating.
Me: Breathe... Wait! you said you weren’t stalking me! But that was very sweet. I am going to write that down so next time i go dark I feel a little better.
Him: Oh that didn’t creep you out?
Me: I like compliments and praise. I am very simple.

-

I don't know, it is fun to like make actual friends who, yeah, may want to date me, (but who doesn't want to date me, I'm clearly a catch - I'll have you know I go to therapy TWICE a month and am also in MASSIVE amounts of student loan debt) but still want to take the time to hang out with me to verbally spar and can appreciate my humor. 

x