star above muted worlds

My last ex and I ended things in January because he was facing be transferred out of state, I'd hope something would fall through with his job stuff so he'd stay local and we could pick things back up. However, that didn't happen. I guess it is easier this way. I wouldn't have been ready to pick up and move several states away with someone I just started dating and he wasn't sure if he wanted the whole family thing I wanted. He didn't want me to move from a place I just bought and if he decided he definitely didn't make it harder for us to separate. And I get that. I just kind of fell in love with him and I think he loved me too which is why it was so difficult for us both. It was just easier for me to cut off communication.

I have been dating others and am casually but more exclusively dating someone specific. Which I enjoy but I worry that if I let myself feel too much I could end up hurt again. This last one really hurt me and not in anything he really did - he was doing what he thought would hurt less for us both in the long run. I already told him months before that if he moved back to where he was from (another unrelated state) that we wouldn't work out (he mentioned it a joking way). So I think he had a feeling that I wouldn't be open to anything long distance. I'm just too old and the relationship is too new. I couldn't go from seeing someone all the time and having them live an hour away to almost never seeing them for an indefinite amount of time despite any feelings. It just wouldn't feel good and I have done my share of long distance and it isn't for me, I'm not very good at it, and I don't particularly like it.

Dating is just rough and especially in your thirties. I have been talking to this other person for almost a year now and he is so hot and cold with me all the time. Whenever it looks like I am dating other people he pops back into my life and even in my last relationship he just kept insisting we meet up after my break up. Of course, I was hurt and didn't want to harm a future with my ex so I told him that wouldn't feel right to me. But he'll insist and insist and when I am finally like "okay, lets hang out again."He'll throw me on the back burner. "Oh, I have something to do but if I am not busy after A, B, and C, I'll come over." I literally know he is going to do this all the time and at this point it is just a game that I play with myself, "What hilarious thing is he going to say today?" Sometimes I am tempted to post on social media about fictional dates just to see how fast he will send a text. I know he is doing it to keep me on the line as a back up or like when he is ready for something serious, I don't know why he does this, we only hung out once - I am not that special over here.

One day I'll probably just text him back something kind of sassy though it is hard to get myself to be mean to him because he never really did or said anything bad to me. He just is not that interested in a serious thing with me and that just is what it is.

Dating is weird, I never liked it, I'll be glad when I never have to do it again.