I have a problem

I saw these in the mall today and ran out with them because I NEED TO STOP AND CAN'T BE STOPPED.

Here are some "On This Day" Convos from years past: (But not really "on this day" just some shit I had saved in a folder that I cleaned out of my phone)

Maria: I should bring you to Yankee Lake truck night. 
Megan: that is a horrible idea. Do you want me to die? I will rail on someone about the civil war and then get a shotgun to the head.

Boss: I couldn't leave a voicemail for this follow up so I -
Megan: Emailed them. I know.
Boss: How did you know that?
Megan: I guessed?
Boss: Oh.
Megan: I am psychic.
Boss: You're a smart ass

Teen: Wait, what is the sale?
Me: All the clearance is $2
Teen: (excited) Wow, that's lit!

Me: (deadpan) Yes, it is very lit.

Boyfriend: (mumbles something that sounds like "you don't like me")

Me: What? I don't like you. That is why you are sleeping in this bed.
Boyfriend: No I said (something I don't remember).
Me: Okay I was going to say..."Yeah you're right I am only dating you for an art project." Like your mouth art idea. I am playing the long game this is all for my art. Imma break up with you soon and go make my money. 
Boyfriend: "2 years of dating a cat lady."
Me: Yeah, no, fuck off. It is not your art project it is mine!

Boyfriend: Oh my god your hands are on fire. Literally, everything else on you is cold and your hands are burning hot.

Me: Maybe I am sick.
Boyfriend: No you are like this all the time.
Me: Well, you know what they say, "warm hands, cold heart."
Boyfriend: I don't think they say that.
Me: I mean, it is true though.
Boyfriend: Your cold, frigid heart.

(Me- covered in rings and trying to organize them)
Little girl (like 3 or 4): hey! Whatcha doing?
Me: cleaning up a mess!
Little girl: (puts hands to face) ah! Someone made that mess!!!!
Me: it was me but shhhh don't tell anyone.
Little girl: (nods and makes "shh" motion. Walks away)

(After checking out the girl sees me again)

Girl: another mess!
Me: the same mess.
Girl: wow, you made a big mess.
Me: that is my whole life, honey.

(Have to be at work in 15 mins)

Cat: (standing on my leg with her head on my chest)
Me: can I put my pants on?
Cat: (lays down on my pants on my lap)
Me: That's not what I said

[my cat doing something bad]

Me: Vi...
Her: [still doing it]
Me: veevee....
Her: [still doing it while looking at me]
Me: Violet!
Her: [still doing it]
Me: [screaming] Violet!
Her: [still doing it]
Me: [speaking softly] Violet.... ELIZABETH..... HARRIS!
Her: [runs away quickly]

Just met a glimpse of my future child today in a customer.

Mom-customer: I wish you wouldn't wear that purple eyeshadow with your pale skin you look dead.
7 yr old customer: I am

Ashlee: I want chicken fingers!!!!

Megan: Well let's go get you some chicken fingers.
Ashlee: Where are there chicken fingers?
Megan: Uhm every restaurant up and down this road.
Ashlee: Not Taco Bell.
Megan: They have taco fingers!
Ashlee: ?
Megan: Burritos! Hahahahahahahaha

Professor emails me to tell me that he had made an announcement post (that he saw was removed from the class by the University) that we needed to have at least three discussions posts on the board a week.

He says, "Because your initial post was such a high caliber of work, I assumed that you did not see this announcement. I checked with the university and I found that it was removed accidentally. I want to give you the chance to fix it. So let me know when you add your two posts and I will correct your grade to the one you deserve."

I go into the discussion board and create two more discussion topics regarding Northanger Abbey from last week and then email him to let him know. I also ask, "In the future, do only "created topics" count toward our posts or do you also count responses to our peers in this? As long as we are adding to the discussion and not just parroting information?"

He responds, "Oh, no parrots that I know of, though on occasion we visit a raven or two: I haven't taught Melville in ages. I'd bet he had some recipes for parrot. "

Professor update: Just emailed the entire class about the upcoming week assignments written entirely in Early Modern English. Ending it with a long piece of poetry.

Immediately after he sent a picture of a duck.

Long story short, I am in love with him and he is probably a 70 yr old man.