I miss having you around.

My father is going through some things because of the results of his surgery, they aren't what he expected. It really, really, really kind of sucks. But because of that he hasn't really been reaching out to me as much and I don't get to see him on top of that either. It makes everything suck a little bit more.

But since his surgery (and a little before) I have fallen into a deep depression. It feels like a mixture of things are bothering me and not just the chilly Lake Erie + Clevelandish weather. In the summer in this new place, I was happier, the smell of the lake made things seem like an endless vacation. Walking on the beach and feeling close to these possibilities in this new and bustling city. I missed my friends so much but I had all this promise of fitting in and finding a place that was just my own. I met these people who I felt these soul connections with. For example, my new boss, who knew me for only 2 weeks let me move into her house and couch surf with her so that I wouldn't have to find a different job. She and the other boss helped me move into my new apartment when I found it and we have fun when we're together and I really enjoy them as people.

But I miss things about people who aren't my life anymore and haven't been for a few years and I can't seem to get it back. I just feel like these people should be here, in my life, despite how far some of them were away. I mean, my brain is probably all fucked up on them because they were really important people that I trusted deeply when I was going through all the abuse stuff. I just feel like I wasn't supposed to not know them. And as weird as it is, when I was going through the worst depression of my life for about 10 months after moving back from England these people were like the light in the endless darkness. I felt like rain clouds were all around me, except when I was around them. They were like little brightly colored umbrellas for a few moments. They helped me keep my jerk-brain away and silent.

I think I need them more than ever right now.

It would just mean so much to me to know that they still wish me well and that they still are with me somehow. They were like - the best - they gave me the best feelings and I looked forward to hearing from them and seeing them. Until some of them became the worst and disappeared or I had to cut them out of my life because I got too attached or whatever. One was romantic, I guess, and the rest weren't but that is redundant - I still cared them all the same as like best friends. They were on par with my best friend, Nicole.

It is weird. I love the new people that I see and know but none of them are keeping the rain out of my head and some are making it worse. I just want to find shelter again. My head is in a deep dark place that is really scary for me right now and I just need a light in the darkness.

I have had a bad last couple of years but in a different way now - I keep forming these fleeting romantic relationships with people who disappear on me for random reasons. Usually it is just a distance thing because last year I was in Niles and didn't want to date anyone I knew (and I knew everyone). Or like they're too busy, which was usually a thing and like it is now, people have these very busy lives and they decide they don't have time for anything real and that is fine because I get a friend out of the deal or whatever. But they still kind of disappear in a sense and that sucks. I just wish I was doing something wrong with these people so that it could be something I could fix but I just keep meeting the wrong people at the wrong time.

I just think it is time for me to meet a brand new umbrella or something, I guess? Especially because I really need someone to help me and I don't want to go to a hospital or have to go on medication or anything and I don't want to kill myself. I really just need hope right now? Because I just all around feel hopeless and having someone who is like optimistic and happy around would just make me feel like there is goodness in the world again.

I don't know if this is all weird or whatever. I don't care. Whatever.

Uh I wrote some junk on a note card for my little feelings box situation.