star above muted worlds

Pulling all nighters to feel like I am getting things accomplished makes me feel a combination of: dread, failure, tiredness, awesomeness, and utter panic.

Off to type up two very sleepy sounding case studies.

I feel like I have to go and apologize to everyone I talked to tonight at any length because my mind is in a total other place. This is probably my own self consciousness but I feel like I become a complete and total push-awayer when I hit finals week.

My apologies: friends, parents, teachers, karaoke-ers.

Also, sorry for not answering your phone calls and texts since like 9.
I've been trying to push my GPA up just a tiny bit more. I seriously am .4 point from having the GPA I NEED/WANT.

And these next two semesters might actually push me into that.
If I can get As in EVERYTHING.

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Here's the problem: I spent so much time failing at everything I attempted to do all of my life. That the first time I am happy/confident/don't even need to try (sometimes) to be good at something I panic. I don't want to crash and burn and become disillusioned with my career path/education path. I realize that this happens to people.

I don't want it to happen to me.

Especially because for the longest time now. Actually the longest period of time in my life. My education has been the only thing in my life going right. Up until pretty recently social life stuff has been hard, love life stuff has been even harder, family crap has literally killed me several times over. I am just ready to graduate and see what all of this work I have put into these years has accomplished. I know it won't be for another two semesters, but I am definitely ready to ready for more.

Because I know that I can be awesome at all the things. I don't have to fail. I can just sit up, drink my coffee, type my case studies and be a good friend, and a good sibling-thing, and I don't have to be too awkward to breathe.

I can also just be awesome. And despite me feeling (in most situations - unless I click with someone immediately) that I am inferior or weirding someone out constantly I can still go to meet up with my teacher tomorrow and talk to her about a potential grad school reference.

I don't want to be at YSU anymore, if I have to go to grad school here...

I just, I can do better.

Because Youngstown is awesome and all. But once school is gone in a week...I will just be floating unattached really. Except going to work I will literally have nothing to emotionally/mentally tie me to all of this for like three months.

And it is storming, and I've successfully worked myself into a fear based panic attack.

I realize this all makes me sound like some sort of perfectionist nerdface dweebmachine.
I am a little bit.
I know I can never be perfect and totally smart and totally awesome,
but I can be perfect, totally smart, and totally awesome enough.
I just want to prove it.
To myself, and anyone who meets me/works with me/taught me in the past.

So yeah, coffee + writing.
I need a hug.