star above muted worlds

This freaking rough draft is due on April 5th and I am not even done writing the first paragraph. AND I was only using one source yesterday. I still have to sprinkle in some more sources into the paper. The only good thing about it is that the first paragraph handwritten out in my small baby handwriting is like 4 pages front and back. That is definitely going to be at least 3 pages of Times New Roman. So seriously...so close to 10 pages I can taste it.

What I am afraid of is that I will vomit up the second paragraph in a similar fashion this week and that will push me to ten and then my conclusion will just be "Seriously, fuck all of this...I give up. 10 Pages." Because there is nothing I hate more than fucking page length requirements. It isn't even funny. You give me a page length requirement and my brain flips the fuck out. And suddenly I start writing in the most minimalist way possible. Like I am trying to only write three pages.

The game plan for today is to go to Maag Library and type this up and quick as possible. And then print out some blank pages with two more topic sentences on top of them so that I can write up at least two more paragraphs in a similar way. Today. THEN if the freaking library is still open when I am done....walk back down and type those up. And print it all out magically. Then add more sources and edit like crazy.

This is due on April 5th. That is plenty of time. But I feel like my anxiety is going to get the better of me and thrust me into panic mode every day until the paper is actually completely typed. (AND saved in about 25 places)

I was worried to start this paper for so long because I thought it would suck so hard. But now I don't even care. I just want it off my plate so that I can do other things.

Last night I couldn't be bothered to finish up the last segment of my first paragraph so I worked on a complete resume and a linkedin profile. Do you know how long I was putting that off? Ages. I have been putting all of that off for ages. But I feel like I should definitely start working toward something other than lame 10 page papers. Because for what I'd like to do I can't stay in Youngstown for. And if I want a Masters in Teaching I need to be able to "get to" at least Kent. Or anywhere else I apply to and actually get in to. Because to be honest I would really rather get out of this Ohio region for my master's program and get to a place where internships in my field are more commonly offered.

So picking up a second job related to my field to be able to afford a shitty car I can pee my pants in every time my driving anxiety kicks up. Probably a good idea. My skin is crawling just thinking about how much I can potentially crash though.

Okay, it is walk for 3 hours time or until the library is open.