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Monday, March 7, 2011

How (I'm sure) Most People See Me



1.) Brain that doesn't think very much. Or a brain that thinks about a very narrow amount of things. Someone who because they do not want to do things like driving, working with numbers, or small talk must be completely ignorant in most things (especially the things they do not want to do). So others can chose not to take their advice or assume they are ignorant in other things that may by proxy somehow be related to said things. IE. Because Megan hates small talk and feels awkward around people she must not be very aggressive or outgoing EVER, not even when she wants to be.

Why this is false: Just because I'm not you, just because I am awkward doesn't mean I am not intelligent. Doesn't mean I do not think as fast as you - often I venture to say I will think way faster than you. I will just not say things as often because my vocal words are more of a "special" thing to me. If anything I say quick mouths are worse than my slow mouth. Also just because I do not do something, or like to do it, or want to do it doesn't mean I don't know it or am not able to understand it. I understand all the things I do not want to do or like to do. THAT is the reason I do not want to do them, perhaps you should think of that before you assume I must be completely incompetent.

2. Eyes that don't see much. People think I'm not very observant or perhaps that I'm easy to fool. Or that maybe I haven't seen much by way of experiences.

Why this is false: Because I look one way, or because I don't talk about things I've seen with you, or things I've done doesn't mean that I have not seen or done them. So before you just assume that I must not be a nerd because I never talked about any of the nerdy things I've done with you or that I must not know what it is like to lose someone to cancer you should maybe...I don't know...ask?

3.) Mouth/Voice that doesn't say much, closely related to brain/thinking. Talks about stupid things, only says random hilariously insightful things, not capable of speaking in front of a crowd or holding its own in an argument. For this reason it must be wrong, just something to 'lol' at, doesn't say anything intelligent or correct. Must be naive and stupid because it doesn't exert the same authority as yours.

Why this is false: Because I don't like to speak in front of people or have an argument or be aggressive in some fashion to prove my point doesn't mean that I am incapable of doing this. I can hold my own very well thank you, perhaps instead of assuming I can't handle myself you should try to understand why I don't get aggressive with you. Many of the people I love never see the aggressive holding my own in a battle of wits nature because I'm too busy avoiding fighting with them. Many times I'll just agree with you even if I think you're being an ignorant childish twit. (Which I do a LOT) For the only reason that I just like you and don't want to lose your dumb ass as a friend. Because trust me, I've said somethings to people that have cut through them. Don't think I'm scared to tell you off and rip you to pieces, I just chose not to.

4.) Arms that can't do much of anything, doesn't know how to rely on self. Arms that need help to do things that normal average people can do.

Why this is false: I spent years doing loads of things for myself with very minimal help. I spent years doing chores like I was a fucking maid sans the payments. Years, before my peers knew how to read tiny books without pictures I knew how to fold and wash laundry. I could do most chores by the time my dad had moved out (around 5/6). I was doing cooking and cleaning (outdoors and indoors) for my whole house by the time I was ten - if not before. Trust me these arms can do a lot, if they had to they could do anything.

5.) Heart that doesn't feel. It feels no real pain it is only a machine that keeps my robotic stupid body moving through the motions of life. It also feels no real love because it must not be as advanced as your heart. It can't have anything meaningful because it has changed itself so quickly in the time period you've known it. So it must not know how to permanently or really love anyone.

Why this is false: At 25 years old my heart has felt a lot. It has been in love, it has lost, it has been broken. All the time it learned how to mend even from the worse loses. I would guess that perhaps because my heart has had many experiences with many different types of emotions that maybe it is more knowledgeable than a heart that has had less. That perhaps, because of its experience, that maybe it knows what it is doing. That maybe it knows when it feels real love because it has felt more than enough of the wrong and right kinds. It knows that there is no single right kind of love and that is because it has sampled a large portion of loves.

6.) Outer Soul Layer goes along a bit with the heart. But mostly the prevailing belief is that I must not have one because I'm just some robot type of thing. That I don't feel as much as I say I do, that perhaps I feel no influence by what I perceive to be a soul. That maybe I am just lying when I say that something is destroying me. That I don't have a soul to feel being sucked out of me.

Why this is false whether or not you agree with the concept of souls, it is irrelevant, you can just skip this part. I do in fact feel hurt, I do in fact feel as if I am becoming increasingly 'lifeless' and I do believe that my soul and its past has a great influence on the person who I am today. It is sad that many do not see the soul that I feel I have. The great deepness of my emotions and how greatly I am moved. And partly this is the fault of people and their assumptions because the second someone begins to judge me that is the second I begin to close myself off from them. At this point I am not fully opened to anyone, I only show parts while I hide behind the safety of my Outer Soul Layer.

7.) Legs that because they can only move so fast means that I can't get anywhere in life. That because I chose to do things that you may consider to 'handicap' me means that I will not live a normal life. That I will not lead an exceptional life. That these legs are to send me in a predetermined path (of your own narrow minded-creating) that if I walk off of (because I'm a stupid robot) I will be set ablaze and explode.

Why this is false: I believe that whichever way I choose to go, when I choose to do it, however way will bring me to the best possible place for me. Whether that be having a normal family, having a multi-billion dollar career and living in a pent house in New York, or dying in a poverty pit under a bridge. All of these don't seem so bad to me. Because they'll be my legs that take me to them, and my choice, and that is what makes me more than a stupid, heartless, and soulless robot: my choice.

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