star above muted worlds

 Had another sudden surgery as a follow up to the last one. Apparently I had a bunch of fibroids and then one sneaky one that was displaced after the last surgery and in a super bad place for a fibroid to be so they rushed me into a follow up surgery.

I hate surgeries. I almost died after my tonsillectomy when I was 13 and ever since then I’ve just never seen them in a good light. In 2012, my best friend lost one of her really good friends (a newer friend of mine) during a surgery which didn’t help. After my dad died from a pulmonary embolism directly related to his surgery recovery - I’ve just been so terrified. I had a client at my old job that died after his bypass surgery, I remember talking to him about it leading up to it and he shared his nerves about the situation and asked me to try and rush his taxes before his surgery. My team couldn’t complete them all in time and I had a lot of guilt about that. But I had 500 clients all to myself needing multiple business and personal returns and needed to get done what I could. Especially because I was leaving after the October extended deadline. I just feel like I have been just a degree away from death my entire life. And no other death to me is worse than being unconscious and out of my body in some sense.

So I get so worked up before my surgery that they pump me full of anti anxiety meds because I’ll be talking normal. giggling, and cracking jokes while just straight up sobbing. But it was a low risk surgery in comparison just a little scope up inside me cutting stuff out of me that isn’t supposed to be there. Making my organs contort and sitting on my nerves so I would randomly lose feeling in my spine. 

I was diagnosed with PCOS and at my age there are likely going to be a couple more surgeries especially if the fibroids grow back at all. I just need to get to be ok with being under. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. I feel like I am heading to my death being rolled through the automatic door and looking up with empty eyes to the fluorescent lights. Thinking I am already dead and this is already Hell and we are all in it together. [Just look at everything going on in the world and in my life.]

Maybe I watched too much Jacob’s Ladder with my dad when I was growing up. 

But anyway, I am alive for now so that is good I guess. Well until this asteroid comes and kills us all. The inevitable heat death of the universe. Or a toilet seat will kill me in the flavor of Dead Like Me.