You don't want to be like me, see all the things I've seen...

So I took a glorious 2 and a half hour walk around Wick Park this morning. It was so magical even though it was cold as hell. It actually made me get sort of emotional because I forgot how much I missed doing it everyday. My morning/night walks everyday around Wick Park. They were a fixture in my life before I left.

The only problem with it is that it gives me a lot of time to think. And to think very, very deeply at that. So I started to think about things I've been trying pretty hard to forget. So I started walking and crying. My tears were freezing on my cheeks. But instead of breaking down I just got irritated at myself and started walking faster and with more force. I don't know. I seriously piss myself off when I think what I am feeling and thinking is stupid. There is nothing I hate more than having feelings about something when I don't have a way to rationalize them. So I try to make them go away.

I spend too much time in my own head. 2 and a half hour walks aren't good for me. But I don't know how to externally...express myself well. It is super hard for me to articulate even simple emotions sometimes. Because I'm really scared. And...what? Every time I've ever...started to trust someone or let someone in...and tell someone my secrets I feel like they give me the cold shoulder or betray me somehow. This is probably because I am just a really shitty person/stupid girl and only people who I tell things to see it and want nothing to do with me.

I don't know...that is probably why there is a whole slew of crap I keep to myself...that I don't tell to anyone. A whole lot of feelings and a whole lot of confusion. That I don't know what to do with. And I don't want to feel stupid asking people about it... Sometimes...I just wish someone would tell me what the right question is.

Because Wick Park sidewalks aren't going to give me the answer, neither are squirrels, and neither can I.
You can't answer a question you've never heard.

Sometimes...I just wonder what the fuck I am even here for. I'm getting really tired of keeping this all to myself and feeling like everyone around me is liable to stab me in the heart. I seriously don't know why it is so hard for me to keep people in my life. I can never tell if it is them or me, but since this seems to happen a lot, it must be my fault.