star above muted worlds

Today is supposed to be my super productive do all the things day. But I am in such a down mood for whatever reason. The problem is that I can't exactly pin point why. I could say the weather being so freaking cold, the fact that I had a minor bust up with one of my friends last night, the fact that I am so terrified for work next week, or the feeling like there are so many hurdles I need to jump the next two weeks, and that need, literal need, inside of me to wrap this all up and get it together and make it perfect. But I can't pick one. And if I say all of them I will feel kind of stupid because some of them are so trivial. Actually all of them right now. The other part of my brain is telling me to just breathe and sit down and do things.

This is where the panic sets in, all that anxiety. That little creeping fear that I will fail and fall on my face. That "why should I even try," that endless murmuring of "you're not good enough, what are you even doing here?"

And I am trying so hard just to drown it out. So that I can sit down and do what I know I am good at. I know I can get this all done. I know it.

I think I am just really fucking insecure about myself right now. The bust up brought up a lot of things that I was working really hard on forgetting. I was explaining to my friend my state of mind at the moment. How I came back a different person. They were angry that I won't/can't return any feelings they have for me. And I feel guilty about this for some reason even though it isn't my problem at this point. They have feelings and I've been very clear about denying them. Then I thought everything was fine, that they got over it, for years now. Then he gets drunk and flips out on me about my plans at the end of the month. So mildly intoxicated Megan goes into utter confusion mode. And doesn't know what to do. But I also get upset because I don't know why I am in trouble for it.

 Because it isn't like I gave mixed signals or ever KNEW the intensity of this persons feelings. If I had known I wouldn't have brought it up or invited him out. I just wouldn't have bothered at all. Because what can you do when someone loves you and you don't love them back? I can't make myself. He can't make me. And that is probably what pisses him off the most. That at one point in our friendship I had loved him and he loved me too but didn't want me. When I fall out of love it is immediate, it is quick, and it is forever. I never go back to anyone and never will. I don't believe relationships should get second chances when love has died. And if someone doesn't want me at one point, they can't just say "oh yeah, i love you now" like 4 years later.

4 YEARS. Four. Fucking. Years. That is how long we have been just friends. And he was so irresponsible for not telling me. Now a friendship is ruined because I've permanently friendzoned him and he FINALLY spoke up about his discontent.

I just, I can't, there are no words for how pissed the fuck off I am.
You're not allowed to be an idiot and lie about the reason why you're friends with me for 4 years and then turn around and be angry at me. And hurt my feelings, and call me names, and blame everything on me.

And that is what hurts. Because he is probably one of my closest friends who I told everything to. And I am actually hurt, really hurt, for knowing this whole time I have been hurting him.
But I am mostly hurt that he lied to me about it for so long and now he hates me because I don't want him.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Dear Guys,

Just be freaking out front about where you stand with a girl. Really this is freaking ridiculous. When I like someone, I tell them. I don't sit around waiting for them to realize it, while making no hints, and dating other people. I can't damn well think you're interested in me when you have had 3 girlfriends during our friendship and talk to me about all the people you fuck. Those are like flashing lights to me that say this person thinks of me as a friend.

When you like someone, when you LOVE someone, just fucking tell them. Stop being a fucking pussy. Regardless if they turn you down at least it is out there and you can move fucking on. Instead of burying it and letting it eat at you. Until you explode on someone who cares about you and has no idea.