This is your life...

So I wake up at 2:30, body totally cold, cold sweat. Heat is seriously up all the way. So yes, my reaction was somewhere in between a vocal "WHAT THE FUCKING ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK?" and "I am too bizarre to function."

The only thing, well two things, I can think of is that I either had some midnight ghosty contact or I had an anxiety related dream about these stupid things due. We're going to go with the second one though, because I don't remember what I was dreaming about. But it probably wasn't good, and it was probably pretty lucid.

I'm spending so much time rationalizing the time I have left to do things. Doing the thing in my head, thinking about how I am going to do it, and not doing much to accomplish it. But I think I've always been this way. I visualize it until I make it happen. I don't really...remember...it being this stressful though?

I don't know, it is midterms.
I'm scared out of my mind over the only 2 I have left.
One is the most simple take home for Modern Africa, and one is a "seems easy but seems deceiving" 4 essay question test for York. And seriously...I just did one of these questions all written out...it was seriously almost 5 pages of notebook paper front to back. I don't know if that is because I have a lot to say for no reason, or that these questions are just super detailed.

But that stresses me out because my memory for these things kind of flats out the more stress I am under.
I lose that attention to detail I have.

I don't even know right now.
But I did have a pretty awesome and fun night running around. I had the day off so I basically didn't do anything, especially worry, and it was SO RELAXING. But the day was for accomplishing things. Which I didn't do. I accomplished things socially...made a few new friends, caught up with some people at Lemon Grove I haven't sat and talked to for a while.

On the other hand, I feel like with a handful of people in my life I am getting that "I don't know where I stand with this person feeling." Which when it is one or two is irritating, but since it is upwards of 10...it is actually making me physically sick with worry. Stupid right? I don't know. It is so dumb. I guess one or two of them...actually matter on some friend level to me. So I really don't want to cut my losses and just cut them. But what do you say? Like, "Hey...so...what the fuck is up with you? Why are you acting like a fucking idiot? Why are you being a Mr./Mrs. Douchey McDouchemuffin? etc. etc."

I don't know...I'm not going to fuck around with people anymore. I am not one to ever speak without being spoken to when it comes to friends. I just don't think I should have to put in that much effort unless I feel like they're actually doing the same amount. I just don't have time to play the chasing and catch up game with people. And if people don't give a fuck enough to work on a friendship with me, then...they're pretty stupid for one...because I'm pretty awesome...just ask my best friend. (Jokes) For two, there really is no point for me to try. Because I don't like one dimensional friendships and I don't like shitty friends. I like being close with people that I trust completely...and right now...I need that. And just that.

But that is really hard to find. Because I don't know who I can trust...and no one is stepping forward.