star above muted worlds

Last night I had the migraine or cluster headache from nightmares. The only reason I say from nightmares is because it literally, and I am not joking about this, lasted from 6 PM to somewhere between 2:30 - 5:00 in the morning. When I woke up it was gone but I had that phantom headache feeling...like it was lurking on my shoulder waiting to attack me. So, the long and short of that is that I got somewhere between 2 to 3 hours of actual restful sleep...and it wasn't until after 5 when I exhausted all my attempts to relieve my headache.

Besides you know...actually trying to relax because I can't relax when I am in pain and I am alone.

So during class today, it comes back along with like crazy amounts of aching pain up and down the entire length of my body. Instead of getting upset or going home or something I just get completely pissed and put my game face on. But then I go home and basically pass out on the verge of tears. I get some random texts from friends wanting me to come out tonight since it is my friend's kind of birthday celebration dinner thing. (Even though his birthday was yesterday). I seriously want to go and hang out with my friends, but I seriously am becoming nauseous over the pain.

But okay, it is cool, because I am awesome and Megan and I somehow fix everything just by pushing through it. So I get up from my semi-nap. I walk to the pharmacy and I purchase: Ginger Ale, Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (solves all problems), and ibuprofen. I come home. I take some odd amount of ibuprofen with my ginger ale. At this point, because of my long walk, my body is literally so pissed at me that I feel like it might take control and start fucking my shit up. But whatever, no, I am not going to sit around all night acting like I got hit by a train. I am going to get shit together and do something. I am way too willful for my own good though, I feel like one day this is all going to turn around to bite me. But that is fine, because when everything turns on me, I'll just turn around and push right through it all again.

But thinking about it now...it actually has come back to bite me a few times. I don't do well when I am injured. I do things like...pretend I'm fine. Like when I fractured my ankle while hiking I kept walking on it like it was seriously okay and nothing was wrong. That was probably the stupidest thing in the world to have done. But yeah, okay, I was stupid at...20(?) also all the previous and subsequent years I would go hiking and would come home with something sprained or broken. Lessons? Who needs to learn those? The only way I solved this problem is by not going out hiking. Avoidance is key.

But only with that really...
I think it is pretty obvious to everyone now that I come off as self destructive because I do things even though the chances of me getting fucked are pretty high. But I think anything worth actually doing are things that might hurt a lot. And that is fine...I'm more afraid of missing out on really awesome things than anything that could actually hurt me.

*Shrug*

I need hugs.