Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

Nothing like 3 dreams in a row with the same theme to make me wake up in a cold sweat.
I don't think I've ever thought about something as much as I am this.
I'm also not one who commonly takes huge risks, or puts "all her eggs in one basket."
I feel like I'm doing that. I think the scariest part is that even if I nose dive...I'm not going to regret it.

It has been a long, long, long time since I felt like something was really good in my life.
The biggest problem is that I'm afraid to talk about it/admit it.
Because it'll make me feel stupid if I do, I guess.
So all my dreams wake me up...and I can't talk about it.
I could be vague like in a previous post.
But I can't say, "Hey this is really fucking confusing me."

I think it just comes down to the fact that my past that is now dying away...wasn't as meaningful as I thought it was. Now I'm seeing meaning...hope...in the future.
The only difference between the past and future is that this time I can actually believe it.
I just don't want to be the only person who does.

I should really just delete this post to assure someone doesn't read something into it and then I'll get insulted...or something.
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Google just shut down...I had to reopen this. Is that a sign?

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fuck it.