History of my blogs

In England now, haven't really sat down to write anything worthy of blogging about. Then again, I haven't done much to go on about. In high school I used to be such an awesome blogger, sometimes I still wish I had some of those blogs around. I still have my bubbleykitten livejournal never use it anymore, but sometimes I look through it and see some of the stuff I write. Some is quite profound, some is quite stupid. But hell... I was 15 - 20 when I wrote in that blog. And lets be serious, most people are stupid during that time of their lives. Struggling with becoming yourself, you don't know if you are a child or an adult. No one else really knows either. And starting around 14 you pretend you are an adult. I had rather traumatic childhood and teen years. Everyday was mostly fear...I went to school and got tortured, I came home and got tortured. Things didn't start to look up until I met Nicole Frate when I was 14...and made my first real friend...the first person I felt I could truly trust of my peers.

Those were trying times, there was a lot of energy then. I lot of fear, a lot of confusion, a lot of sadness, a lot of hurt, but also a lot of love. I was able to channel all that energy into poetry, stories, and blogging/nonfiction essays. With writing I was able to dig myself out of the holes I was in. For a long time during high school I was terrified of intimacy. I was terrified of falling in love. I was terrified of trusting people. But I fell in love, I learned to trust, and eventually was able to be intimate with people without feeling wrong or scared. I feel like, I got to do this by writing. By blogging, and by being responded to by hundreds of people on LJ and my old (now defunct) personal website/blog BrokenMirror (BRKNMR).

For a long time in high school and middle school I wanted to kill myself. Even after for a while. I wanted to die. I would beg for it or do things I knew would hurt me. I would enjoy it. Now sometimes as I am falling asleep my mind drifts to that time in my life...and I can't even imagine ever wanting to die anymore. I can't get my mind into that state any longer. It won't go. I wrote myself out of it, out of that sadness. I self medicated with writing, and alcohol (when I turned 21). Something happened at 21, I grew up, I grew out, I got over. My depression turned to happiness to live. My social anxiety lessened, I became more than I ever thought I could be.

I did more for myself in a couple years than counseling did for me in almost triple that time. I saved myself. Maybe that is why I can't blog as well anymore, there is nothing here to save.