And I want to shed...

I've been living with an eating disorder, not bulimia or anything. I don't binge it either. I also don't starve myself.

But even when I was 85 lbs and basically a skeleton in high school, I still thought I was fat. I would cry at night because I wanted to be smaller. So small, so much smaller than I was that I could be truly invisible.

Now I'm at my average adult weight, which is pretty big - for me. It fluxuates constantly by 20 lbs here and there - like all women. Every time I get close to loving myself, or accepting myself I'm struck by society's idea of what beautiful is.

I never thought skinny girls or girls with abs were very sexy. I've always liked girls with hips, thick thighs, and relatively bigger stomachs. Not obese, but thick, like myself. But I don't like myself that way.

And all I want to do sometimes is take a knife, or an erase tool (al la photoshop/psp), and get rid of all the thick. Sometimes I want to erase down to the bone, even the bone, and not be a shell any more. Sometimes I just want to be a soul.

Because that's the part that is supposed to really matter to the people that really love me, right?