I don't know how to lie...

I avoid a lot of situations where I'd have to lie to someone to spare feelings or to further aggravate situations that I'm usually not mentally/emotionally equipped to handle. Sometimes I don't say things for the purpose of protecting people around me. Sometimes I keep my secrets close, the real reasons, I keep them inside so I can have something. I just need to have a few secrets...just for me. Maybe it is the Scorpio in me?

But sometimes the truth slips and I cover my mouth quickly to keep it in. I try to tuck it in the back of my throat but it gets on my tongue and I can taste it. I'm not going to lie, I love the truth. Inside I know that people will love me more for telling it. So I'm addicted to being blunt. I'm addicted to telling people my judgment on things. On the other hand I'm not addicted to negative reactions. I am so scared. When someone looks at me in a mean way it shatters my soul. It makes me question my motives, the way I walked, the way I looked at them for the whole day. When someone gets mad at me for my own mouth it ruins my month/year.

I fuck things up a lot, this is a story for another blog, but sometimes I think I just fuck things up for my own amusement. Like deep inside I'm just afraid to be happy or perhaps I fuck things up because I don't believe I can. Telling the truth and being out front with people sometimes quickens my fucking up process.

When I tell you something, it will not be a lie. If I tell you I love you, I do love you. When I tell you I care about you it means that I always have. When I tell you to leave me the fuck alone, I mean it. You can always trust me to tell you the truth. I will admit when I'm wrong, when I'm being stupid, when I am guilty of something.


Sometimes I say things to people, things I try to keep buried but as the words fester in my gut I can no longer keep them in. Then I truth vomit all over the place. All the anger, hurt, love, etc spills out at such a rate that it is probably similar to a Confessional Hurricane Katrina. Then I commence ruining friendships, relationships, familial ties. I say too much after not saying enough. This bothers boyfriends who only know me as meek. When I explode they don't expect the wave of it. This ruins friendships whom I had tried to preserve by holding my tongue. It further frustrates the fragile fraying strings that somehow manage to keep me tied to my family.


I've never felt really good at anything, never felt like I had a place or a reason, I've never felt respected. But I've never lied to any of you. I will never lie. I'll call it how I see it, I'll always tell the truth even if it takes me awhile to admit it to myself.

I may say things at bad times, I may do things wrong, but I'm never going to say something I don't mean. I guess that is one thing I got going for me.