How I'm not going to write these three research papers...

1.) Not being sure what topic I'm doing or where I'm heading with a topic.

I don't know what I am going to write for the three papers that I need to do in my Ohio and Early Middle Ages class.
I'm going to talk to Dr. Patrick today - he wanted me to gather a list of topics I thought would work. I made very illegible free-write notes instead.*
I emailed Congdon about my other paper, which I'm not sure I'm going to accomplish in any fashion.
In Environmental History I'm going to try and focus on South Africa and the Environmental effects it had on its colonization. I only have one source printed out and in my hands so far though.
With 7 weeks to go, I'm very behind.



2.) Continuing to remind myself that I have not 3 papers but 5 the other two are just a final and a reflective essay.

I don't just have 3 papers with substantial amounts of research to write. I actually have 5. The other 2 are for U.S. in Crisis and South Africa. Though I'm not even sure how I did on the South Africa midterm** and that final paper is the actual final of the class.


3.) All the while wanting to be somewhere else entirely.

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I'm not happy. I feel lonely. I feel like I want to run off and experience new fun things. Preferably in England with Dan. I want to learn how to do things that don't involve my head being in a book.


4.) Procrastinating on even writing a word and getting frustrated when I write a word.

Every time I sit down to do these papers my head begins to hurt. I get frustrated. Suddenly my college ruled paper annoys me and I can't seem to write anything. I get angry, I throw my pencil against the wall and then it bounces back and stabs me in the eye.


5.) Not writing them, watching my grades diminish even further, sinking into my downward depression over school.

If all this wasn't enough to make me feel absolutely crazy I've been obsessed with my GPA for years now. Watching it slowly crawl its way out of academic probation. All the while I was throwing my whole soul into that pit with it. I started to pull myself out. My soul became proud of it's work as I soared slowly above a 2.6. Now with two uncomfortable but changeable "incomplete Fs" I'm back on the tipping point of 2.5. I feel my heart slowly sink and all I want to do is throw my hands up and give up. Just call the whole thing off.

*Dr. Patrick suggested I focus on the Great Depression in Ohio. I've decided to focus on the Mahoning Valley and the Depression.

**I got a 24.5 out of 25. Woo!