Afraid of the future, obsessed with the past.

 I passed my licensing exam so waiting to get my P&C license paperwork back so I can like advise on insurance matters for a company. It’s in the financial sector which I never thought I would ever be able to work in. So weird to write that. I’ve had so many different jobs and lives in 38 years. It’s weird and wild. 

I always tended toward the more artistic things. I used to have this livejournal when I was …14-20(??) (It was too long ago) where I wrote these vignettes about how I was going to run away to New York and live in a studio the size of a closet and live off ramen noodles. I wanted to paint and write for a living. Make websites on the side. I wanted so bad to live the life of a starving artist and at the time I was used to living off ramen noodles and government cheese. I assumed that powdered milk tasted the same whether it was in your mother’s cabinet or your own. 

I just wanted to live alone more than anything. Away from the stress of being parentified by my mother and having to manage a household and everyone’s emotions all the time. I was scared my life would be me constantly circling on the edge of poverty. I always assumed I’d have to be the keeper of my siblings and my family. I felt a lot of guilt any time I wanted something for myself growing up. I was always taught to give and give every piece of myself. So I never went far for long - I always circled back into the orbit of my family and those that I love. Loyal to a fault. Even to my own detriment. 

I’ve always had the dreams of running though. My friends in DC had me out in 2008 and I nearly disappeared there. I thought about just throwing my phone out the window on the capital highway and just … not going back. 

Anyway it seems silly now because life takes away every thing you have eventually. 

I can run all I want now. 

There is nothing to go back to now. 

My dad said he always marked his life in decades. The 20s were for exploring and eventualities. The 30s for building and settling. The 40s were for learning how to be ok with dying. The 50s were for rediscovering himself. And the 60s.. well he was in them when he passed away.

I always thought it was crazy how much my dad and I mirrored each other and especially now that he is gone I see so much of his life mirroring my own. A jack of all trades and just constantly learning and never stopping - never slowing down. 

I wonder what’s next and who I would be had I followed those whims. I wish I could play out all my possible futures and stay in my own reality. Curiosity was always my downfall. 

Anyway, I’m just happy that I studied something for a week and passed it with a perfect score. I just wanted to tell my dad and this blog has just become things I want to tell my dad but I can’t. 

Speaking of dead people I want to talk to but can’t. I found this band that I know Matt would dig. I can see him in my mind dancing at a classic Youngstown warehouse party to this song and I just keep screaming it in my head. 

All of my ghosts are real…

Studying to get my P&C License so that is fun.

While organizing my junk and moving it around to my new filing cabinet found cards Shawn gave me from when we started seeing each other and that was super cute.

Japanese Breakfast, a band I love, came out with a new album that I’ve been playing the shit out of on Spotify. Wanting to go see her three hours away in Detroit but I don’t think I’ll be able to. That is the dream though.

My friends and I have a new DnD group going and Shawn and I get to host so I’ve been putting together these huge spreads to feed the group and coming up with fun drinks. Like stamina and mana potions, haha.

Anyway back to studying…(listening to Japanese Breakfast and crying.) 

 

 Been watching Unreal on Netflix because it’s this fictionalized show about reality tv production which I think the psychology behind is super interesting. It’s why I watch a lot of Kirk Honda on YouTube. The show is pretty good. It really reminds me of Californication in a lot of ways & I have a soft spot for that show. However I will say it does feel like a little bit triggering watching a young woman self sabotage her entire life - hello early 20s.

I am still putting together my office. Slow process because we’ve been so busy on the weekends making claw machine content for YouTube (haha).

I also got two more tattoos at the tattoo convention! I was so excited! They are super fresh so the pictures aren’t the best but I heal really fast so they’re a bit better as of posting this.

 Had another sudden surgery as a follow up to the last one. Apparently I had a bunch of fibroids and then one sneaky one that was displaced after the last surgery and in a super bad place for a fibroid to be so they rushed me into a follow up surgery.

I hate surgeries. I almost died after my tonsillectomy when I was 13 and ever since then I’ve just never seen them in a good light. In 2012, my best friend lost one of her really good friends (a newer friend of mine) during a surgery which didn’t help. After my dad died from a pulmonary embolism directly related to his surgery recovery - I’ve just been so terrified. I had a client at my old job that died after his bypass surgery, I remember talking to him about it leading up to it and he shared his nerves about the situation and asked me to try and rush his taxes before his surgery. My team couldn’t complete them all in time and I had a lot of guilt about that. But I had 500 clients all to myself needing multiple business and personal returns and needed to get done what I could. Especially because I was leaving after the October extended deadline. I just feel like I have been just a degree away from death my entire life. And no other death to me is worse than being unconscious and out of my body in some sense.

So I get so worked up before my surgery that they pump me full of anti anxiety meds because I’ll be talking normal. giggling, and cracking jokes while just straight up sobbing. But it was a low risk surgery in comparison just a little scope up inside me cutting stuff out of me that isn’t supposed to be there. Making my organs contort and sitting on my nerves so I would randomly lose feeling in my spine. 

I was diagnosed with PCOS and at my age there are likely going to be a couple more surgeries especially if the fibroids grow back at all. I just need to get to be ok with being under. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. I feel like I am heading to my death being rolled through the automatic door and looking up with empty eyes to the fluorescent lights. Thinking I am already dead and this is already Hell and we are all in it together. [Just look at everything going on in the world and in my life.]

Maybe I watched too much Jacob’s Ladder with my dad when I was growing up. 

But anyway, I am alive for now so that is good I guess. Well until this asteroid comes and kills us all. The inevitable heat death of the universe. Or a toilet seat will kill me in the flavor of Dead Like Me.