I need to just get a copy of the Amelie movie. I woke up today thinking about it and had to search for it online just to watch it again. That, Wristcutters, and Almost Famous are like the three only movies I think I can watch again and again. I don't know why.

Hopefully I can finish watching it early enough in enough time to go check out the Lemon Grove Garage Sale going on today. I am excited to see all the crafty things Youngstowners can produce. Also I want some of the new flavored coffee they just got in.

Meowwww.

I wanted to perhaps get some time of hanging out with my friend Lindsey in because we haven't had a chance to really hang out in almost two months now. We've both been sick off and on. Lame. But she is in Pittsburgh for a meeting/photo shoot for an site whose blog she writes for. Strike Envy. So that's fun, but still lame for me because this is the first Saturday that I have free here where I don't have to type something. I don't know what to do with myself.

Probably watch French movies and then go to the Lemon Grove...and read for fun.
It has been a long time since I read for fun but I have a couple short story anthologies I haven't broke into yet. So we will see.

Season Finale of Castle made me have all the cries.
And then all the happy, but then all the cries again.

I was so excited about the last two awesome episodes.
Where Jayne Cobb got reunited with Nathan in "Headhunters," and cool zombie stuff in "Undead Again."

Nooooowwwww it is just sad and scary again.

Megan: Uggggghhhhh what do you want from me?
Dave: WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW!?!!?!
Megan: Sleeping.
Dave: Will you be sleeping later?
Megan: I hope so.
Dave: What are you doing tonight?
Megan: If it stops raining I might go to karaoke.
Dave: What time?
Megan: Oh. My. God. Whatever time it is when it stops raining.
Dave: Okay, call me when it stops raining.
Megan: *random angry growling*
[hangs up]

But thanks to dave I'm not sleeping any more.
So I guess I will shower.

I like the part where apparently at least 10 people have texted me earlier today and I haven't received one text yet.

Sorry my phone makes me seem like an asshole, I'm really not.
I love you all, really.

Calling me still works pretty well though guys. You could always do that when you have a pressing issue. You know...instead of asking me questions needing immediate answers via text? Like "When is the final due?"

Pulling all nighters to feel like I am getting things accomplished makes me feel a combination of: dread, failure, tiredness, awesomeness, and utter panic.

Off to type up two very sleepy sounding case studies.

I feel like I have to go and apologize to everyone I talked to tonight at any length because my mind is in a total other place. This is probably my own self consciousness but I feel like I become a complete and total push-awayer when I hit finals week.

My apologies: friends, parents, teachers, karaoke-ers.

Also, sorry for not answering your phone calls and texts since like 9.
I've been trying to push my GPA up just a tiny bit more. I seriously am .4 point from having the GPA I NEED/WANT.

And these next two semesters might actually push me into that.
If I can get As in EVERYTHING.

---

Here's the problem: I spent so much time failing at everything I attempted to do all of my life. That the first time I am happy/confident/don't even need to try (sometimes) to be good at something I panic. I don't want to crash and burn and become disillusioned with my career path/education path. I realize that this happens to people.

I don't want it to happen to me.

Especially because for the longest time now. Actually the longest period of time in my life. My education has been the only thing in my life going right. Up until pretty recently social life stuff has been hard, love life stuff has been even harder, family crap has literally killed me several times over. I am just ready to graduate and see what all of this work I have put into these years has accomplished. I know it won't be for another two semesters, but I am definitely ready to ready for more.

Because I know that I can be awesome at all the things. I don't have to fail. I can just sit up, drink my coffee, type my case studies and be a good friend, and a good sibling-thing, and I don't have to be too awkward to breathe.

I can also just be awesome. And despite me feeling (in most situations - unless I click with someone immediately) that I am inferior or weirding someone out constantly I can still go to meet up with my teacher tomorrow and talk to her about a potential grad school reference.

I don't want to be at YSU anymore, if I have to go to grad school here...

I just, I can do better.

Because Youngstown is awesome and all. But once school is gone in a week...I will just be floating unattached really. Except going to work I will literally have nothing to emotionally/mentally tie me to all of this for like three months.

And it is storming, and I've successfully worked myself into a fear based panic attack.

I realize this all makes me sound like some sort of perfectionist nerdface dweebmachine.
I am a little bit.
I know I can never be perfect and totally smart and totally awesome,
but I can be perfect, totally smart, and totally awesome enough.
I just want to prove it.
To myself, and anyone who meets me/works with me/taught me in the past.

So yeah, coffee + writing.
I need a hug.

Final Plans for narrowed down 5 grad schools.

Okay,

Since one of my choices was quick enough to send me material I've requested. I already have been working on setting up its "folder."

The "grad school folder," is my little pet project I want to get done in the next few weeks to help me apply to grad schools in a more organized and smarter fashion. This current one for UNA is complete with the school's: tuition, aid information, department information, contact stuff, school app, and requirements for admission. BUT here is the thing. Since ALL of the schools I've requested info from range from EVERY STATE in the eastern US that isn't Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, New York (and surrounding/northern guys) or Pennsylvania - I will be massively uprooting myself. So I've also included price ranges of apartments, lists of day cares in the area - highlighting the ones I'd prefer to work at, museums, public transportation information, etc etc.

UNA made it to the final 5 because of cost alone. 210 per grad credit hour and 350 - 500 dollars for a 1 bedroom apartment is pretty good. But I am trying to find a perfect fit. So I'd rather find the place that fits my personality and city that fits me rather than just going to a place because it is cheap.

Because I did that with Youngstown.
And that was a mistake.

Anyway right now I am fighting the battle between doing what I need to do: Complete my case studies for Friday.
And doing what I can safely put off: Working on these folders.

So I think I will just be stressed instead.
Finals.
Grad School.

I would rather my grad schools just be fighting for me rather than me having to fight for them.
But, whatever, I am definitely not smart enough for that.

Really Sad moment when:

You call your work to see if you're schedule at the same time for the three days of the week you didn't request off...
And your boss scheduled you for the 2nd day you thought you had requested off.
But you're dumb.
And either put April 31, not thinking it was May 1st...and your boss thought it was 30th.
Or put April 30th, thinking that was Tuesday for whatever panicked reason.

So now you have to go to work when really you needed to clean your apartment.
Sucks to be you.

What I did instead of cleaning my apartment tonight...

My apartment is a mess, the problem is...is that I know that it is an absolute, horrible, almost irreparable mess BUT that if I ACTUALLY FOCUS for more than like...2 seconds at a time...I can clean the whole thing in under 2 hours.

But that is too much work for me right now because I don't even want to sleep or worry about anything. I just want to eat this bag of swedish fish and stare at my grad school crap.

After I tumbled a load of being human related things. (See: my tumblr)
I fell on to my floor and opened up the grad catalog I received from a potential university today. It eventually ended up open right on top of my face. Then I mumbled..."I don't wanna." Like twelve or fifteen times.
And cried.

Then ate another handful of swedish fish.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually clean something.
Or maybe I will just waste the day moaning about things.
But first, I should focus on accomplishing sleep or I am just not going to be productive at all this week.